Every year, we make the usual New Year’s resolutions — lose weight, get in shape, save money — knowing full well that there’s about a 12 percent chance of actually following through on them.
OK, maybe 7 percent.
Still, we enter the new year with best of intentions, and we hope that in some magical, miraculous way, the same will power that crumbles at the first sight of a stray Oreo will somehow morph into something even stronger than Troy Polamalu coming on a safety blitz.
Alas, it rarely happens. (See the aforementioned percentages. Actually, according to one newspaper account I found, only 45 percent of Americans even make resolutions, and of those 45 percent, there is a 97 percent failure rate.) And even when it does happen, it’s usually not long before we slide back into our same old bad habits.
What we should realize is that we’ve been looking at this whole tradition the wrong way. Why not resolve to accomplish something that’s attainable? Something that, well, for lack of a better way to put it, takes little effort?
Look, it’s not like this is the Lent season, where you feel guilty about going back on your word. That there is big stuff. You don’t want to mess with the Big Guy. Bad news. Bad times. Bad idea.
This though? This New Year thing? C’mon, take a shot. Do this for yourself. Resolve to make yourself feel better about — how’s this for a change? — yourself.
After the season of giving, give a little bit back to numero uno.
Who’s it gonna hurt?
And who could it help?
Now you’re catching on.
So with that said, here a few of my (attainable) New Year’s resolutions for the quickly approaching 2009:
I resolve to curse every home run that loses a ballgame given up by Cubs new closer Kevin Gregg.
I resolve to continue my renewed loved affair with Boston Celtics.
I resolve to play more golf with my wife and daughter.
I resolve to remind myself that somehow the Yankees’ payroll is less this year than last.
I resolve to complain about the BCS again next year.
I resolve to attend a Charlotte Bobcats game this year and laugh out loud the entire time at the team Michael Jordan has assembled.
I resolve to remind myself that this has been a good year for the Panthers rather that one of “what might have been.”
I resolve to lift weights. (Wait, how did that get in here? Out with you, effort-involved resolution!)
I resolve to pray for appropriate timeouts during important North Carolina basketball games.
I resolve to try to get my 5-year-old daughter three Miley Cyrus concert tickets this summer, even though I know I’ll fail to come up with the luck or the coin to get it done.
I resolve to get earplugs to drown out at least some of the screaming preadolescent girls should I find some way to acquire Miley Cyrus concert tickets.
I resolve not to be surprised by anything Tiger Woods does, including when he makes his return in April at the Masters and goes on to win.
I resolve not to pick Phil Mickelson to win a major again until he actually, you know, wins one (which he won’t).
I resolve to believe that 2009 will be the year for the Cubs.
I resolve to believe 2010 will be the year for the Cubs after 2009 ends in disappointment. Again.
I resolve to write better columns than this one.